She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
