I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
