There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
