i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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