I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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