I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
