I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
