I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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