No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
