Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
