Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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