I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
