I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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