I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
