Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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