you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
