I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
