How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
