You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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