last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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