just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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