either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
