There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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