Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
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