sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
