so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
