Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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