God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just puked most of my soul out..
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
