You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
