Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
