Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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