chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
