I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
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