I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
