you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
