We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
