i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
