If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
