My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
