im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”