I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
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I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
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My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.