god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
