At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
