At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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