I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
me + whiskey = a bad person
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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