dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Randomize
