Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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