why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
