awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
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So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
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I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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