It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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