I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
