You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
