You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
