I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
