I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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