it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
