Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
